Loved

Knowing at such a young age what God had in store for me became really frustrating throughout my high school years. I wondered if what I thought was God placing something on my heart was actually just my imagination and thoughts running free. So I made a deal with God. If this ’thing/feeling’ (I was unsure what it was by this stage) was just my thoughts than take it away. I even ask God the question “Will your plan for my life ever happen?”. The funny thing God never answered my valid question the way I expected him to. He never said yes, He never said no, He never took it away. He just intensified the burden on my heart and it became my dream and destiny! At this point I knew, I didn’t have to question God anymore. My questions had been answered.

During high school I struggled. Not academically (although the start of year 11 onwards was down hill) but emotionally. I had seen and heard things as a young child that i was trying to deal with, I was dealing with them in the wrong way. I felt worthless, helpless but most of all unloved and was going on a downward spiral. I put on such a brave face by trying to act tough, be disrepective to teachers, pretend that I didn’t care etc… but little did anybody know, I cried myself to sleep every night for years. My feelings of worthlessness came out in the way I valued myself with boys and the way I let them treat me. I knew I shouldn’t feel unloved, my parents loved me so much, but for some reason I did.

All through school I went to youth and my youth Pastor, Ps Dave, would always say how he had seen so many young people come and go with big God given plans for their life but they had thrown them away for the things of the world and instant gratification. When he spoke about this I could see how it broke his heart and I was determined this would not happen to me. Ps Dave and my parents would talk about how to make your dream come true and never to give up on them. These words were what I heald on to.

I graduated high school and this is when the incrediable journey of feeling loved started. I meet a guy (which is now my wonderful husband) and he helped me realise that I didn’t love myself. How could I feel loved if I didn’t love myself? But before I loved myself I had to know that God loved me. I began this process of feeling God’s uncondtionall love and it ripped my heart to shreds but it is THE most ultimate feeling. Next I dealt with the process of learning to love myself. This was not easy, but I can honestly say now I truly love who I am in God.  This is when my question to God “When will Your plan for my life happen?” got answered. Going to Africa and working among the poor required showing God’s love. How could I do this previously when I didn’t really understand or know God’s love for me.

God’s plan for my life has been going on for years, I just couldn’t never see it. He was preparing my heart for what he has in store. Working among the children and people in Africa will show God’s love and now that I know what that love feels like I can truly fullfill the plan He has more me.