Mixed Emotions

With just 10 weeks exactly till we fly out the emotions are high. Excited, nervous, overwhelmed, inspired, determined, loved, sad, stressed, eager, exhausted, vulnerable, grateful, thankful, frustrated, hopeful, amazed, assured, indifferent, capable, certain, desire, scared, fear, trust, homesickness…and there’s still 10 weeks to go! The weeks leading up to our departure is going to be emotionally draining. I say this because I am an extremely emotional person at the best of times let alone leaving my family and close friends for at least a year. 

I can’t wait to finish up at my job and start something exciting with the people and children in Uganda but at the same time I don’t want to leave my class that I have cared for, loved, nurtured, watch grow, see their potential, set boundaries for, watch and assist in their development, be part of their achievements, when I’m having a bad day I won’t get to hear them say “Miss Emma I love you”. They aren’t just 2 year olds, they are my baby’s that have been apart of my life and I hope that even at 2 years old I have been apart of theirs. I know that I will be building new relationships with the children in Uganda but its sad to know I will be leave the children here that I have come to love so dearly. My last day will be easy knowing that what I am about to embark on is the plan for my life but at the same time extremely hard saying goodbye for the last time. All I know is that when my last day comes I know that I have been able to be apart of these children’s lives, which is truly rewarding!

Frankie our dog has to stay at Will’s dad’s house since we have moved back in with my mum and dad. The first few weeks he was there he was sad, he wouldn’t eat properly, he got electrocuted by the electric fence that John (Will’s dad) put up to stop him jumping the fence to play with the dog next dog (this didn’t help the relationship between Frankie and John, Frankie wouldn’t go near John for days) Which was quite amusing to watch.  When we would go visit him I could tell he had been sad, but he would get so excited just so see us and he would run around like a kid with ADHD. When it was time for us to leave he would know because he would hear the keys in our hands rattle and he would try and jump in the car because he was so used to going everywhere with us, if we just needed to pop into Woolworth’s he would come for a drive. The look on his face when he couldn’t come and we drove off broke my heart and still does. Overtime though he learnt that we would always come back in a few days to visit. It makes me upset to think that when we say goodbye to him for the last time that he won’t understand that we won’t be back in a day or two, he will be waiting and waiting and waiting for us to come but we won’t. They say dogs can get depressed, I pray he won’t. He isn’t just a dog, he is part of our family and I don’t care if people think I’m stupid and pathetic for getting upset over a dog. Sometimes I just cry thinking about leaving him. Im so used to coming home from work and Frankie greeting me with the biggest welcome, always happy to see me and then he runs around and around showing off.  The moment I’m home he follows me everywhere, he even try’s to follow me to the toilet. He always makes my day and that’s what Im going to miss. Both Will and Corey are talking about getting a dog when we arrive in Uganda as a guard dog for at our house, honestly I think I’m going to find it hard not to become emotionally attached to the dog. People have pets over there just like we do here and to have a dog over there and not treat it part of the family feels wrong, its just the way I was brought up. I can’t become attached though otherwise when we do leave it will be too hard. Its just little things like a dog that can get the better of me some days. 

Sometimes I just lay in bed at night and cry and cry. I cry because I know how much I’m going to miss my family, Im going to miss kissing my mum and dad goodnight every night. My family and I are close and they are one of the most important things to me. Missing my family is a feeling that I know I can’t make go away, it’s a feeling that may creep up on me some days and may get the best of me, it’s a feeling that may wish I was back home, it’s a feeling that I can’t stop, it’s a feeling that I can’t control, it’s a feeling that I wish I was with them, it’s a feeling that I wish they were with me, it’s a feeling that I know Im going to miss out on important milestones, events and achievements, it’s a feeling that I wish I didn’t have already, it’s a feeling that I’m glad I have already and just like my heart breaks at the thought of leaving my family, God revelled to me one night as I lay there crying, that my heart is breaking just a fraction of what God’s heart is and does for His children that aren’t home with Him. He is longing to be with them, to welcome them home. My crying turned into sobbing as I heard His voice so clear, a smile took over my face and I knew then that leaving my family, friends and job for just 12 months is worth it!!!!!!!!! 

It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, I know it’s going to be hard, I’m going to have my good days and my bad days but to understand a fraction of God’s heart is comforting. 

Our new "home"