Laugh and hold hands

We haven't laughed so hard together in such a long time. Sad but true. This thing we all call life can somehow get in the way. Work, housework, nappies, money, teething, lack of sleep. Really the list could go on and on. Before we know it we have lost touch in some ways with the person that makes us laugh and smile the most.

Date night was last night and it was long overdue. Dinner and "22 Jump Street" was planned but instead it was dinner and coffee, the line up to purchase our tickets would have made us miss the first 20 mins at least. It was simple but one of the best nights we have had together in a long time. We laughed so hard that my nose and eyes were watering. Now picture that at the same time, while almost wetting my pants (other Mum's will understand) Gross hey!

It was a strange feeling being baby less...
I could eat my dinner without interruption
I wasn't carrying a million wipes, nappies, spare clothes and a heavy nappy bag
I didn't have to lug a 8.8kg toddler in and out of the car
Nor was I Pushing a pram with a babe that always wants to stand when the safety warning clearly states "No Standing"

But it hit me the most when Will said "It feels weird holding hands hey?". But the truth is, it did. It's not something we avoid it's just something that I guess can get lost in amongst the early years of having a child. Always running after a toddler. Alone time together is limited.

Our date wasn't an intimate romantic night with candles lit, bottle of red wine with soft dinner music playing. In fact it was quite the opposite in a restaurant that sets of a really weird vibe and atmosphere. The food however never disappoints and for this reason we always return and they have named us their "regulars". It didn't matter the content of the night, it was simply the time we were able to spend together alone. I came home from our night on a high, we needed that simple but crucial time together just to laugh and hold hands. It's true that laughing is medicine, not that we were sick in the first place but it's good for the body, soul and spirit.

Mummies I know our lives can be non stop exhausting and it's so hard to find the time to spend alone with our husbands/partners at times but please find the time. You need it and so does your other half. It reconnects you together. It doesn't have to be expensive. In fact last christmas Will's present was 12 envelopes named January through to December. Each month Will opens the corresponding envelope to find a pre planned date. I must admit the last three months we haven't actually gone on the dates, so we have some catching up to do but they are organised and we just have to arrange a babysitter and go. Most of them are very inexpensive so don't think you have to spend a fortune every month just to go on a date because we know first hand how hard it can be sometimes, especially with only one income. I'm not a relationship guru by any means but the value in time alone is crucial. If you can't find a babysitter ask me, I'm actually serious, just ask!!!!!!

God gently reminded me today that it's so easy to become lost in life sometimes that I can forget to laugh and hold hands with the Him, the One who loves me the most. The One that just wants me to take hold of his outstretched hand for no other reason than to be alone with him and laugh. I just love how He always gives me little nudges and reminders of what He yearns from me. It can change the course of your day. Laugh and hold hands.

Double edged sword

Over the past week God's shown me that the big obvious, little quirky and sometimes almost annoying character traits I have, He has actually given me for a very particular, articulated reason. Ok some of you may already have had this revelation but clearly I'm a little slow jumping on the band wagon. Let me explain.

Up until a couple of years ago there were many character traits in my personality that would get me into trouble, especially in my teenage and early post teenage years. One big one was the fact that I spoke exactly what I thought when I wanted. There was no such thing as "think before you speak". No filter on my tongue or my heart for that matter. A lot of the time I would speak out of hurt, anger and judgement. I was very outspoken but at the same time extremely passionate about certain issues. Everyone knew me for this. It was part of my "personality". It did annoy me though, I knew I came across very rude sometimes.

The past couple of years God's been changing the attitude of my heart. Let me tell you first hand how the attitude of the heart changes everything! I noticed that how and what I spoke had changed, I wasn't speaking out of judgement, hurt or anger. God was dealing with that and I didn't need to hold onto it. I still spoke with authority and passion about what God had placed there and what I was passionate about, but it was different. I learnt that some things are just not worth verbalising because after pondering on it for a while my view point or attitude would change and understanding is what I gained.

See God has given me a personality for a reason. Because God is a personal God and he made me a personal being. He made me outspoken and extremely passionate but it's how I use these traits that's more important. Same as when God gives us gifts and talents, it's how we use them and do they bring him glory?

I had let hurt, anger and judgment take over the personalty that God had given me. The last couple of years God's been filtering out these things to bring glory to Him again. I'm still not there, its a journey that will continue to the day I die but I've realised it's an attitude of the heart. My attitude changes everything even down to how and what I speak.

Last weekend at young adults retreat Elisha (a good friend) had a word for me. I was a double edged sword. The truth and rawness I speak would be used for The Kingdom.

I've been seeking God about this over the past week and God clearly said that I'm everything He created me to be. Even the thing that has gotten me into trouble and been a hinder to me in the past. The two edge sword can destroy the enemy or me but He will use it for His kingdom, as long as my attitude is in check (a constant check needs to be made with a good kick up the but if necessary) This sword is extremely powerful in the spiritual realm and what I speak needs to be God's word and His truth and rawness.

Colossians 3

Psalm 149:6
"May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double edged sword in their hands"

Hebrews 4:12
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart

A fire within me has been lit

With temperatures of 40 degrees, crying helplessly, sleepless nights, nursing around the clock, and an array of medicines being placed in her little body from both ends of the spectrum, it's safe to say that the latter half of the past week has been a little traumatic for both Mamma and bubba.

"Jesus loves the little children, 

all the children of the world. 

Red and yellow, black and white,

they are precious in His sight. 

Jesus loves the little children" 

I found myself singing this classic that I grew up singing, in an attempt to soothe my sick baby girl. She finally falls asleep, saddled across my body, head resting on my chest. I don't dare put her down. That's not an option. For the past 48 hours she has only wanted to rest her weak body on me. I can feel her burning, the heat from little face has made my chest red.

Now that she is sleeping I can get some rest. I close my eyes. But my mind wonders. The words from the classic children's song play over and over in my head and I find myself questioning God. "How can Jesus love all the little children of the world?" Children all over the world are dying from sicknesses that can be managed with access to medication, food, water and doctors. There are Mothers all over the world that weep helplessly because they can't even produce enough milk that would soothe their babies. They don't have enough money to feed themselves so their bodies deny them from producing natures finest life support. If they can't eat they defiantly don't have the means and resources to get seen by a doctor or a hospital visit. Even if somehow they were able to go to the hospital, doctors and nurses would deny them treatment as they can't afford the hospital bed or medications needed.

My heart breaks. My heart becomes heavy. Anger is also mixed with sadness. "How can doctors and nurses overlook dying children?!" To us it seems so foreign, so inhuman. But this is how the majority of the world live. Does it make it easier for them knowing that this is the life they have been handed. Of course not! I can't even imagine the heart ache a Mother would go through watching her sick baby screaming inconsolably.

Within four days Gracie has returned to 100% health, cheeky as ever, always on the move exploring and laughing. We had everything at our finger tips. Doctors, medication and even support and love from family to help when I was exhausted. But my heart is still heavy for these Mummies and their babies.

My heart breaks. My heart becomes heavy. Anger is also mixed with sadness. A fire within me has been lit.

1 Samuel 2:8

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honour...

Stop and Love

At the beginning of 2013 when everyone was making "New Year Resolutions" I was determined not to make one. Who sticks to them anyway? They make us feel good for the first month and then come February we have already slipped back into old habits, ways and lack the motivation that the first of January brought.  By the end of the year we feel worse about ourselves because we weren't disciplined, motivated or determined enough to accomplish what we set out to achieve at the beginning of the year. 

With this mindset, I started my year off "New Years Resolution" free. 

God whispered one word "Love"

Over the next few days God showed me that 2013 was my year to love. It wasn't to be my "New Years Resolution" instead "Love" was to be what I strived to become, be, pour out, lavish upon, breath, soak in. 2013 was to be what I was created for. Love.

I look back on this past year and ask myself the question "Did I love?". 

Yes. In situations where I would have normally became angry I found myself responding to with grace, acceptance and forgiveness  Not because I felt I had to but because love changes the heart. Love stretched me in 2013 and I found myself involved in things that I would have never dreamt of doing or achieving. Saying yes to love opens doors. My greatest love of 2013 hands down would have been the birth of our beautiful baby girl "Gracie Mayah". Holding her in my arms staring into her big brown eyes that trust and love me utterly and completing remind me on a daily basis what Jesus yearns from me also. She is teaching me how to love unconditionally and gives me more of a glimpse of how The Father loves. She is continually teaching me to go to Jesus for my source of strength and to be filled with more of Him.  

Such a little being has taught and shown me what love looks like. Love looks like getting down on the ground and playing instead of sitting on Facebook. Love looks like reading books instead of watching rubbish on tv. Love looks like making the time to spend with Will, my husband alone so our marriage stays fresh. Love looks like giving more of myself and my resources. 

But as I look back on 2013 another question remains "Did I love enough?" 

No. There are more times than I can count that I fell short. The most recent one was on Christmas Day, of all days of the year. I went for a run early in the morning before everyone was awake. Along my run I seen a homeless man packing the little belongings he had into a bag from the night before. My heart become heavy and I kept running saying to myself "I'll stop on the way back". On the way back I seen him again. I wanted to stop but the "He's a male, your a female, anything could happen because no ones around" excuses flooded in and before I knew it, I had ran past him and was back in the hotel. Ever since Christmas Day this keeps playing over and over in my head. I didn't love with the capacity that I was created for. I didn't stop. I let excuses win. I left Jesus lying on the grass beside the beach hungry and thirsty on Christmas Day! 

I don't want to come to the end this year and have a situation playing over and over in my head because I didn't stop and love. I want this year to be the year I just stop. I want even more opportunities to love like Jesus but I know this can't happen unless I stop. Jesus always stopped. I need to stop for the homeless man. This isn't a "New Years Resolution" it's what God created and requires of me. Stop and Love.  

 

She holds beauty

I have to document this moment down. I never want to forget...

Christmas is just 5 days away and I just received the best Christmas present that my heart could desire.

My baby girl and I were slow dancing to Christmas music in our lounge room. She had the biggest smile on her face that I have ever seen, she giggled away as we twirled and spun around and every now and then her little head would fall and rest on my shoulder as we continued to dance. My day, week, month and year were all wrapped up and handed to me at once, while dancing with my baby girl. It was spontaneous and one of those moments that made me tear up. I literally felt my heart get bigger but at the same time melt from the beauty that she holds. This special moment I will treasure forever. She is my beauty.

Merry Christmas

Love Will, Emma and Gracie
xoxo

Questions and Answers

It's been over a year since we have been back from Uganda and although I haven't been posting my thoughts and what God's been doing in my heart and in my life doesn't mean I haven't been writing. So here it is, finally! As promised a Questions and answer blog...It took so long as I found it really hard to put into words the answers to questions asked. Sometimes words aren't enough. Enjoy!



What is the most valuable lesson you learnt in Uganda? 
I learnt that God doesn't want product. It's not all about what I was "achieving" or "doing" but all He wants from me is my heart. From that flows all the things that people expect your doing on the field. I couldn't love on people if I wasn't receiving God's love on a daily basis. Everything we were involved with in Uganda was about loving and in the beginning I got this all wrong. I had to stop and give my heart to God on a daily basis. By doing this I felt God's heart and when you feel God's heart it changes everything. I fell more in love with Him than ever before. That's all God wanted and required from me from the beginning, to love Him more and more everyday. By falling more in love with Jesus I slowly knew more of His love and from this came the love needed to do what God sent me to Uganda to do. 

Your most treasured moment/incident? 

A little girl learnt how to say "I love you" and she would say it to me all the time. She literally melted my heart every time she said "Emma I love you"

"Emma I love you!"

Another moment that melted both Will and I's hearts was when two young workers from Jordan House took us out for a farewell meal. We had no idea as it was a surprise and we were so humbled as the meals would have cost almost half a months wage for them both. They completely blessed us, more than they will ever know. It brought tears to my eyes with their massive hearts and spirits. 

 Our surprise farewell meal with Douglas and William 

Most depressing/sad moment?

A young girl came to Jordan House needing help. She had been raped and just found out she was pregnant. She was unsure about her HIV status so we went to get her tested. The test came back positive. I remember sitting with this young girl and crying and crying and crying. I went home and cried all night on my bed, I didn't know what else to do as rape and HIV was all too common. God had broken my heart into pieces.

Something you will miss most?

I miss living simply. 
No electricity half the time. No hot water. No TV. 
Simplicity brought with it intimacy. Intimacy with God. Intimacy with Will. 
No distractions. 
I really really really miss this!

Something you really won't miss?
A Ugandan staple meal called "Posho" (millet flour ground up, mixed with water and cooked) Let's just say it tasted like glue. 

The traffic. Picture a capital city full of cars, boda boda's/motorbikes (I may or may not have drove straight over the top of one while it was moving) buses, pedestrians using the road as a footpath and walking straight in front of on coming traffic (I may have also hit a pedestrian) 

Are there any changes in action or thought that will impact or change the way you live your life once you return to Australia? 
I'm a lot more gracious towards others and not so judgemental towards people in church. This was something that I had a big problem with before I left and God sorted that out while in Uganda.  

How are you a different person from when you left and how are you the same?

In some ways it's hard to answer "how am I different?" as it's little things that happen that I look back and see I dealt with it different than before I left for Uganda. But at the same time I know I'm different. The way I carry myself is even different I don't feel like I put up a guard, like I did before. I guess this is because while in Uganda God broke them down and showed me who He created me to be. He created me without limit, borders, masks, barriers. After this revelation it changed how I go about life on a daily basis. I feel free. 

I'm the same Emma but more of who God breathed life into and less of the rubbish that I filled it with. Emptying this gunk out is an ongoing process till the day I die but Uganda was defiantly God's tool for filtering out so much that was holding me back. Living within the invisible borders of what I thought was my life, staying there getting stale and dried out like a piece of bread left out that was once fresh. 

How has being over there impacted you life at such a young age?

I don't know the full extend as to how it has impacted me but experiencing Uganda has defiantly reinforced the feeling that I have always felt. Feeling a little left out. In a good way. It's reinforced that I'm called else where to give more and  love more. It's also changed the way we bring up Gracie. 

What was it that most touched you heart while over there?

Our last Sunday at Jordan House church a young girl was attending, I had never seen her before. She was about 13 years old. In the middle of worship, God prompted me to turn around, when I did I seen this girl, worshipping God with all she had. Tears streaming down her face, completely undone by the presence of her Father. I felt the Holy Spirit say "Go hold her hand" I did without thinking twice. Her eyes remained shut focused on her creator but she weeped even more. We both stood there tears streaming down our faces, I felt God literally upon us. I felt the tears that we were releasing were no other than God's. 

I don't know this young girls story nor do I know her name but God knew. He meet her where she was in the slum of Uganda. In the midst of poverty, disease, brokenness, hopelessness, God was bringing exactly what this young girl needed. His presence to fill her and bring hope, restoration, peace, healing and love.

I came away from our last day at Jordan House completely overwhelmed by how BIG our God is, so overwhelmed that I couldn't even fathom it. I was challenged to always see God as I did this very day. It was so easy and still can be to get caught up in what's wrong with the world not to see God moving in ways that are tailored to the individual. A God that knows us so well that He pours Himself out on us exactly how we need Him to but so very different to our neighbour, sister or friend. 

This is my most treasured moment in Uganda. So simple but this encounter with God changed and challenged me for the rest of my life. 

The beautiful girl with her Mum and Brother. 

Can you share times where you know God came through for you in time of need and provision?
There was one in particular moment that God showed up BIG time. I can't go into detail for many reasons but we had nothing else in a situation but God and we witnessed first hand how faithful our God is. It blew us away and was the pivotal moment of our time in Uganda. 

Share about the lonely times and how you coped?

Loneliness can seriously send you insane, sometimes I honestly felt I was almost there...insane. Especially in the first 3 months. It was during these three months that I felt the most alone, I hadn't made friends yet with people outside of Jordan House, Operation Uganda and our housemate. If anyone knows me well, I need my friends around me, I think any girl does!!! 

Despite these feelings of lonliness and homesickness I had Will and I learnt to lean on him more than normal and our relationship become stronger over the year. Will knew when homesickness was about to get the better of me (and it's not pretty) and he would do things with me to take my mind of it, cheer me up, help put things back in perspective and get me focused again why we were there. 

Although my feelings of loliness were real and it felt like a rollercoaster, some days were great and then the next I could be crying all day, I knew for certain one thing that was constant. Jesus. I would be reminded about how lonely He would have felt before being crucified on the cross. He turned to His father for comfort and this is where I also found peace and reassurance. 

It took us a few months but we found a church that we loved and made good friends with people there.  The church was such a blessing to us spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I was able to confined in the leadership of the church about how I was struggling and they prayed and offered support, sometimes they just listened, which is just what I needed. 

It was in these lonely times that I felt God closer than ever before despite how I was feeling. He would always whisper little gems to me that lifted my spirit. 

A moment you will never forget?

There were many moments and most of them were so simple but they impacted the most:

When we arrived at Jordan House every morning the kids yelling out "Emma" "William" and running after our car.

Paying the Woman Empowerment ladies their monthly wage. Knowing that they hard worked hard producing stock and now they had money to provide for their family. Their eyes would light up and I could see that they were proud of themselves. 

When ladies in the Woman Empowerment program came up with new concepts and designs. We couldn't always buy the products off of them but I was so proud when I would hear they didn't give up, they went somewhere else and someone else bought their new product. 

Seeing the Woman Empowerment ladies improve.

The list could go on and on but it's these little moments that will always be cherished. 




Love Emma 
xoxo

Perfect in every way

Dear Gracie,

Today you are one week old, both Daddy and I can't believe how quick this past week has gone. It feels like you were just born yesterday. You have changed our world's and we love you more than words could ever describe. I look at you and cry happy tears sometimes because you are so perfect in every way and I'm blown away that we created you and that I'm your MUMMY! 

You look like your Daddy in almost every way, everyone says you are a "little William". You do have my lips though (in your ultra sound I could see how beautiful your lips were and I said that you would have perfect lips, and  you do). You have lots of dark hair (when I seen you for the first time I couldn't believe how much hair you had, I got so excited and all of a sudden I had more energy to continue bringing you into this big world). Your tiny fingers are so perfect with beautiful long nail beds that are perfectly manicured and you have long narrow feet. Some say having long feet means your going to be tall but we will see. being taller than me though won't be hard!!! Your little ears are so petite and perfect and match perfectly with your nose, your nose is just like Daddy's. Did I mention you are perfect in every way!!! Daddy and I could sit and stare at you all day, especially when you are peacefully sleeping. Gammy says your so distracting because we all get distracted with how perfect you are. 

I pray that you will ALWAYS know how much we love you and ask God that He will guide us with wisdom to be the best parents we can be. We pray that you will always know who your Papa Jesus is and always let Him hold your hand through your journey. May you fall in love with Him more and more and always know where your rightful place is, as a daughter of the most high. 

I want to cherish every moment with as this past week has already flown by and it makes me upset not to embrace every facial expression. Daddy says you have many facial expressions like me. 

I want you to know that we have the most amazing family and friends around that will always love, guide, cherish, nurture and protect you as you get older. You will be blessed by them all and you will bless them with you presence. 

It is so beautiful to see Daddy and you together. He loves you so much and I can see you being "Daddy's girl". Daddy is so amazed by you and he just stares at you all day. He has never held something to small and fragile. Seeing Daddy and you together bonding melts my heart. 

We are both blown away by your beauty and again words can't describe this new love. You will always be my baby girl and pretty lady.

Love forever

your Mummy

xoxo

Love more

At the beginning of this year when everyone makes there New Years resolution I was determined not to make one. At the the end of the day most people never stick to them and some people aren't even successful past the first 24 hours.

God gently whispered to me "Love more". At first I thought "What a cliche'"...I mean when people ask you what your new years resolution is everyone wants to be a better person and loving more is just part of that. To better yourself more than the year just past.

It's more than my initial thought process though, it's not about going further and being the better me, in fact it's not about me at all. Loving more is all about others, seeing others going further, letting them be first, stoping, listening, forgiving. It's actually really simple and at the end of the day that's all God requires from me, the gospel is all about loving. It's who He is. God IS love, not God has love. It's a conscience decsion on a daily basis and choose to make 2013 the year I choose to love more.

Fall afresh on me

I haven't written a blog in a very long time and to be honest I'm not sorry at all.

I'm having trouble processing everything that has happened in the last couple of months, but in a good way. God has shown me so much of Himself that it's almost impossible to put into words.

Seriously, how do I write anything that even comes close to how amazing He truly is.

I'm working on it though, I promise.


In the mean time here is a picture of how God literally poured afresh on me.

While away at "Transformation of the Heart Retreat," we had some free time and God gently said "Go sit in the garden". For many of you it would have been easy to go sit in the garden, but for me to just sit and do NOTHING, wow I really struggle. I have always been a person that has to be doing SOMETHING, I have never been able to truly relax.

The days prior to this, God really showed me that the devil has been robbing me of that time that I need to relax all my life. He's been stealing away the time I need to rest for myself and the time that God so dearly wants me to just relax and rest in Him.

I wasn't going to let the devil win this time, so I went and sat in the garden. I wasn't there long before I felt relaxed and at rest, not in my own strength, but I truly felt God's presence all around me. This was a big milestone for me, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have truly relaxed in my whole life (and it doesn't even take up all 5 fingers)

I was listening to worship music for about half hour and just soaking in His love. A song came on that I had never listened to before "Fall a Fresh On Me". I had my eyes closed but I felt something literally on me. Tears starting falling down my cheeks. God said "Look up". I opened my eyes, looked up and this picture above is what I seen. God said that He was literally falling afresh on me. You can't see it in the picture but there was a huge cloud with a hole in it. Through the hole a single beam of sunlight us shining through, straight on me!

God shows Himself in so many ways, He used nature this time. All He wants is for me to rest and relax in Him with no agenda. So often I was too concerned about what I can give to God but it's not about what I can give Him, it's about what He wants to give to me. That's all it's ever been about.



Fall afresh on me - Bethel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tV77elsdUAI

Breathe life

Cystic Fibrosis here is what I have to say to you...

You don't have a hold on my brother, Jacob, or my family any longer! You don't determine his chooses, dictate what he says and you most certainly don't define him anymore. I know this disease is the devil's way of holding him back from all that God has for him and Devil you better listen real careful to all I'm about to say...

I have you figured out, the only reason your doing it is because your scared...well you should be!!! I'm warning you, you better start packing your bags and running as fas away as possible because if you don't your going to be broken down from every inch of my brother's body, every thought that possess his mind, every grip that you have on his future and guess what smart guy it's not going to be pretty. We will see who's laughing then!!!

You don't have the power, you never have. It's your own lies that have even deceived you into thinking that you even stood a chance. You know damn well that your battle was lost when the ultimate doctor and healer shed his blood to set Jacob free from your sickening hand.

My King promised to heal Jacob and I'm not gonna sit till He does. I'm standing in the gap knowing full well that God's promises are never broken. His word's are truth, not cheap junk like everything that comes out of your mouth and whispers into the ears of the valuable. No, my God speaks life into the very heart of his creation and sets them completely free.

I still don't think you get it after all these years. We are putting up a fight and we have the strongest army on our side. You better prepare yourself with some sort of protection because with just a single breath God will crush you.

You will be so badly crushed that you won't even think about attaching yourself to the organs of Jacob ever again. He will be set free, walking in complete healing. The thoughts that possess him will be of life not death. He won't be selling himself short anymore, he will be walking along side his creator. His creator that created him for a purpose, for freedom, for redemption, for relationship.

The things that used to satisfy him before will do nothing more then dissatisfy him. God's love will be so overwhelming but so evident in his life that the Kingdom of God will rejoice every time he takes a single breath. Every breath will be filled with life. Cystic Fibrosis' motto "Breathe Easy" will be nothing compared to every breath that he breathe's from this day on.

Complete healing will simply roll of his tongue, it will be the very essence of very word he speaks. Doctor's that have known him since birth won't be able to explain it, but Jacob will. He will look at them in the eye and say My God breathed life into every organ in my body.

Jacob is God's and God's only. Death does not stand a chance, he will walk in eternal life. The barrier between heaven and earth was broken and Jacob will receive the full force of what that means and what God intended it to be for him as his beloved child.

Jacob will breathe life, life in healing, life in love with his Saviour!

Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

All I can do is weep

Some time back a little boy caught me off guard. Here is his story...

To be honest I actually don't know his story but I wish I did. All I know is he caught me off guard, even if I was only face to face with him for less than a minute.

We were driving home one afternoon and as usual we stopped at a set of lights where beggars of all ages come to our window asking for money. It's one of those questions that I have struggled with since being here, "How's the best way to help?" Some would say giving money doesn't really help, in fact it causes more problems, so we have given food to them on some occasions instead. But to our astonishment and surprise they just throw the food on the ground, yell at us and walk away. So when we come to these sets of lights every single day it's a constant battle of what we should do and always ask ourselves "What would God want us to do?"

This particular day though I seen a boy whom I had never seen before. My guess he was about 9 years old. He should have been in school but unfortunately that was out of the question for him, instead he had to spent his days in the hot sun begging for money. He caught my attention though because unlike the other men, woman and children of all ages, he was standing alone with tears streaming down his dirty face. The moment I saw him I called out to him to come over to the window, which normally we try to avoid beggars at our window. As he approached us, tears starting building up in my eyes and when he came to my window I came face to face with a little boy that caught me off guard. I came face to face with utter brokenness and hopelessness, he couldn't even look at me in the eye. I didn't know what to do, I handed him a banana that we had left over from our lunch. With tears in my eyes while choking from holding back from bursting out in tears I asked this little boy what his name was. He softly replied but I wasn't able to understand, I didn't ask him again I just simply replied that it was nice to meet him. He turned and walked away slowly, head down and went behind a pole and starting eating his banana.

I watched him while waiting for the lights to turn green, fighting from within what more could I have done or said to him. By this time tears were streaming down my face. He caught me off guard!!! I have constantly battled with the question since "What should I have done?" I could barley talk to him because my heart was breaking but you know what...my heart should break!

Since being here there have been so many situations that I have no idea what to do and I still don't know in many cases. It's not a black and white answer. Normally my blogs are about revelations God has given me, reflections and things God has been doing in my life. But this blog is different, I don't have some big revelation from God, in fact it's quite the opposite.

I'm left with a heavy aching heart for the injustices of this world. This little boy should be able to kick a soccer ball around with friends and get an education that will later provide him with a job. Instead he walks the streets everyday begging for money. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't know if I did the right thing. All I can do now is commit this little boy to God and cry out to his Papa.

I'm left with an image of a little boy who's name I don't know, who's story I wish I knew and questions that I don't have the answers to. So many times since being here I've been caught off guard, when I'm least expecting it and I find myself in tears and in disgust at the world. How can this happen? How can this government let their young children walk the streets without getting an education? How can so many people go to bed at night without food in their tummies? Why do young girls, even toddlers get raped and are left with HIV? Where is God in these injustices?

Sometimes all I can do is weep, I feel like I can't do anything else. But it's ok because I see God in the very centre of the brokenness of this world weeping because if He doesn't, who will?

First few crucial moments

It takes me a while to get around to posting things between power outages and being in the right frame of mind to let the words flow freely. But I've finally got around to posting an incident that happened a few weeks ago.  I did post a status on Facebook about it so some of you may know already but here's the full story. Here are my thoughts since the incident and from a different angle. Be aware this isn't our proudest moment!

We have been here for 9 months and have managed to get away with any sort of accident that involves damaging the car. I say "damaging the car" because I have actually ran over a Boda Boda (motorbike) and hit a person while driving, both times it was their fault of course! I guess you could say they were accidents. Please take note that no one was hurt either of these times. I have learnt though the importance of using a horn and it's not to abuse people, instead, simply to inform people they need to move out of my way, fast, otherwise I will run them down!!! 

But on the 9th month of being here, a big 4WD (with a bull bar) hit the driver's back rear side, leaving a nice dint. The man driving simply continued driving as if nothing happened. Will pulled into the shopping complex where the driver was also going, in the hope that the man would pull over so we could sort it out, instead he continued to drive. This infuriated both Will and I, so Will being Will floored the accelerator and took after him, being thrashed around by the lack of concern for potholes. We caught up with him and just like a scene from a movie (where the cops cut off a getaway) we smashed the brakes on cutting him of so he couldn't go anyway, our car diagonally blocking the road with approx. 1.5m distance from both our cars. Of course me being me strongly encouraged Will to do so, in fact it was my idea to chase after him and to cut him off.

We both got out of the car and boy did Will let the driver have it!!!

I tried to calm Will down, which worked finally. Meanwhile two Indian men got out of the car and came over asking what the issue was. Will showed them the damage. Immediately the older man out of the two said that they need to take responsibility for what had happened and agreed to pay for it to get fixed. We found out that the man that was driving was just the driver for the Indian men, they pay him to drive them everywhere. Before we knew it we were having tea and biscuits in his office, he owns an engineering business.

This Indian man who was Hindu, highly respected by other people which was clearly evident, humbled us. The way he conducted and presented himself was full of grace and love. Here we are the so called "Christian's, followers of Christ" blasting the crap out of a man we didn't know from a bar of soap. Not once did the man raise his voice, get angry or point the finger. He could of got angry at his driver, but not once. We didn't even ask him to pay for the damage, he simply offered.

While we were having tea and biscuits in his office he asked us why we were here in Uganda. We shared about how God called us here and about God. He opened up to us about his wife passing away. It was a divine appointment, no doubt.

It was also special time where God really gave us a big kick up the bum, gave us a slap in the face, humbled us and woke us up big time. As much as we were able to share God with him, had we already done too much damage with how we reacted for the first one and a half minutes?

We still took the opportunity afterwards to share about God, but what about those first few minutes, we did cause damage no doubt. I needed to ask for forgiveness and even when I think about it now I'm ashamed. Some so called "missionaries"!!!

My God assures me that he uses even the most unworthy, uneducated, most sinful for His purposes, all I need to be is ready, willing and obedient. But it was this very moment that all God had planned for us to do or say was compromised in those first few moments. Know doubt God did something in that man's life as we shared about our creator, we could see it. But I ask the question how much more of an impact could it have been if we handled the situation differently in those first few crucial moments?

My Heart Sings

Today was one of those days that made my heart sing, the song in my heart couldn't have been any louder. That song was praise to my Papa.

Over the past weeks we have been doing assessments, home visits and interviews for possible new intakes into our child sponsorship program. We enrolled 22 in total, who now have a chance to get a free education. The school term started last Monday and now these children are getting an education that otherwise would be non-existent.

These children come from backgrounds and situations that make me ask the question "Why?!" with anger, heart-ache and frustration. This question is so simple but yet the answer is so complex and I may never understand. Often it feels so unfair and unjust but in the midst of it, when my heart is breaking, God fills my heart with a song, praising the one and only who is unconditional love.

For the first time today, these children received their school uniforms. The absolute joy on their faces brought tears to my eyes. Many were posing for photo's in their new clothes, many couldn't stop smiling, they were filled with so much excitement that they were just running up and down for no apparent reason, children charged at me with a huge hug, smile and a massive "thank you!". But it wasn't me they needed to thank, it was their Daddy in heaven, who loves them more than anything. As I stood back watching these precious children, my heart sang praises and I thanked God. It was one of those moments that I was literally falling more in love with Jesus, I couldn't stop myself.  As children around me were laughing and giggling with pride, my heart was rejoicing. I couldn't think of any other place I would rather have been. I don't know if these children will remember it for the rest of their lives but I most certainly will. When I asked the question "Why?!" I found my heart singing and I fell more in love with Jesus.

My heart also sang when prior to the children receiving their uniforms I sat with them and asked what they have learnt so far at school. All they could tell me was "friends!" They had learnt how to make friends!!! I have built a closer bond with these children and they are my friends and that's something that also makes my heart sing.

Maybe I need to ask this question more, "Why?!". The more questions I seem to have about this life and the things of God, the more God reveals Himself to me. Sometimes it's in ways that make me cry but today it made my heart sing!

Children before they received their uniforms (some wearing old uniforms from other schools)

Looking so smart in their new uniforms!

Isn't she beautiful, she makes my heart sing!!!

Posers!!!

Anger that makes the devil flee

Exodus 32:19-20
"When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. And he took the calf they had made and burned it in the fire; then he ground it to powder, scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it."


I love this verse!

I know this might not be the right biblical interpretation but this is what God showed me. And who's to say that what God reveals is wrong.


Moses was angry, I could only imagine him running through the camp screaming, being so full of rage that he had so much adrenaline pumping through his veins that he was able to tear down that damn golden calf.

I want Moses' anger! I want to be full of rage at the things of the devil. I want my anger to be so great that the devil flees.

Yes I know that anger isn't normally something that people pray for or something people would even agree with me on, but that's cool. I don't need people to agree with me.

Anger causes people to do and say things they wouldn't normally. They have the balls and guts to confront people and situations. I want this courage that anger gives someone; to tear down city walls that are holding a generation and generations back, things in my life that the spirit of complacency has allowed me to settle for, the things the devil is orchestrating right in front of my eyes that before I would let slide and think not much of it. If this alone isn't something to get angry about, than I ask the question... "How much power will the devil have before somebody gets angry?"

Ultimately the devil is a coward and when he knows that we are angry about his ways of power over us and holding us back from where God has promised to take us (just like the promised land was promised to the Israelites by God), he will without a doubt back off and flee. Because when we are angry God gives us the balls to take him on head on and the guts to rip him down and shred him to pieces as we declare Jesus!

Blessed

A few weeks ago we had a team from Melbourne come help out at Jordan House for a week. Will and I were blessed by their presence with us in Uganda, even if it was for only 7 short days. Fellow Australian's and to hear our own accent and slang again, Yay!!! Just hanging out with them, sharing stories and laughing was refreshing.

The whole team was fantastic and they truly loved their experience and who could blame them. God was moving in their lives and it was so evident.

The time we spent with them was really special and when they left one of them, Robert Agius, said that we will be friends for  life. This words were so true, we made friends for life in 7 days and we really miss them! Being able to share this experience with each other is rare and defiantly something to be treasured.

You all blessed us so much and we miss you...

Courage to be obedient!

Last week I received a link from my Mum for a position in Vietnam, working with a missionary family. Naturally I wanted to find out more, so I emailed the contact that I was given immediately with my experience, qualifications and asking them more about the details. Within half an hour I received a reply saying that I was well suited for the opportunity, the family would be contacted to find out more details and someone would contact me soon so I could start the application process.

"Wow that happened fast!" I thought to myself.

Honestly I don't think the opportunity is suited for Will and I, for many reasons, but it got me thinking...

Would we be obedient if God made it clear that this is where He needed us?
Would we be willing to give up our plans knowing full well that His plans are for eternity?

I want nothing more than to spend time (a long time) with my family and close friends, after being away from them for a year. But if God calls us else where for a season my prayer more than anything right now is that we would have the courage to be obedient.

The first thing that came to mind when I received the link about the position was "Why would Mum email me this, she would be so sad to see us go again". Later I find out that the Holy Spirit prompted her to do so and she emailed me the link with tears streaming down her face. Whether something comes of this or not, it doesn't matter, she was obedient and that's all God requires from us.

With just over 10 weeks before we land back on Australian soil I wonder what and where God will lead us to next? What will be our next season? I have no idea! Yes we have our plans but we need to be prepared to through them aside at any time if God needs us to. It may be in the little things not necessary moving to Vietnam but whatever it may be may we have the courage to be obedient!

Reckless

What I'm about to right about has been itching at me for days. But after hearing that two people I know have had cars accidents today, Easter Sunday, I have to write about it now. It can't wait!!! Life is too precious.

I want to live a reckless life!

No I don't mean the reckless life of partying, getting blind drunk, sleeping around, base jumping, tattoos, piercings, swearing, nudity, drugs. The list goes on and these are actually things that come up when you google "reckless living". So sad. That's not a reckless life!

I want to live a reckless life!

A life that means something. That leaves a legacy behind for my children and my children's children. That takes the road less travelled. That doesn't care if I'm the odd one out. That stands when everyone else sits. That sprints to the finish line when everyone else is just running. That is obedient to God no matter the cost. That doesn't settle for the normal or mundane. That steps out in faith and sees miracles. That feels God's heart. That feels His presence daily in all circumstances. That loves like God till it hurts and then more. That doesn't believe the lies of the devil. That leads by example. That would give everything away in an instant to see the Kingdom of God be fulfilled. That looks in to people's eyes and sees Jesus no matter who they are. That has a marriage that isn't perfect but a marriage that speaks of God without saying a single word. That has God at my very core until I am a fragrance of Him. That is in complete awe of Him. That has the courage to speak what God places on my heart. That will go into battle even knowing my life is at risk. That doesn't let the devil reign over my circumstances. That will step out of my comfort zone. That breaks barriers. That lets go of all fear of man. That worships God no matter how I'm feeling. That fears God. That somewhat comes close to the reckless life that Jesus lived. That simply living the "Christian" life  just isn't enough!

Big shoes to be filled I know. But this is the life I want. Reckless. It comes at a cost and I want to do everything I can to full fill this life that God has intended for me. A normal life isn't good enough and I won't have it. I need my friends and family to get on board. Make me accountable!!!

My heart is burning and my Spirit is stirring

Beautifully Broken

Wow! Right now that's all I can say about my God...

He forever blows me away with His love, faithfulness and the BIG things He shows me, even in the little things or things that seem insignificant.

I'm going to try my best to put into words what God has shown me recently. Every time I think about it, it humbles me and I want to fall at His feet, do nothing more than just be there at His feet...

I have recently shared about the beginning of this year, my fears and the revelation God gave me. What God is doing in me never stopped there. As I shared, this year is going to be massive spiritually, I can feel it and God is preparing me. Even after the last revelation I felt like something was wrong with me. I was experiencing things that I never have before, things that I felt I shouldn't since God called Will and I to Uganda. I felt transparent, not in a way people could see through me but in a way that made me feel vulnerable. Vulnerable emotionally and spiritually. Emotionally I was a wreck, one little thing could set me off in a whole day of crying, anger, negativity and doubt. I was determined not to be attacked spiritually, even though I felt like I was at times, I wasn't going to let it reign a high position in my life! I pressed into God in a way that was new and it hurt! I was pouring out everything to God, my fears, my hurt, my confusion, my doubt, my anger. But boy did I feel God ever so close. I could feel his presence fall over me. He was so real, He was my safety, He was my strength, He was my peace, He was my friend to pour out my heart to, He was my comforter, He was everything I wasn't!

Even though I was experiencing God in a way that I never wanted to let go off, it defiantly wasn't a place I wanted to be. I didn't want people to know, let alone see, how shattered I was. Things were happening in me that I had never experienced before and I didn't like it. I wasn't given the time to process any of it. Answers were required of me that I couldn't give. Assumptions were made. Things were spoken over our lives that went against everything we knew, without a doubt, God had for us.

One day God gently whispered to me, ''Your broken". This might seem strange but I could actually discern that it was a good thing. God was spot on but I asked the question "What does this even mean?"and "How is this good?. No one wants to be broken!

"Beautifully broken" was what He whispered to me next. God showed me that when I come to Him broken, in all my weakness, it's the perfect most exact place He wants me. It's a place for God to do what He needs in my life. During this time I was so broken that I wasn't resisting, even if it hurt more, how God wanted to mold me. He used this time to get my attention. God showed me that I was beautifully broken because nothing is more beautiful than where God wants me. He wanted me at His feet in awe of Him and I couldn't help but be anywhere else.

I have since embraced being beautifully broken, not in the same sense as before, God has been healing me and working through things in my life. But in a way that I come completely undone to myself, making myself broken before him. I am nothing without Him, He is everything I'm not. God showed me that even if I'm having the best day ever in my whole life, it's still on this day that I need to come to Him beautifully broken, making myself undone and available to Him. Being beautifully broken needs to be part of my everyday. It's a constant reminder that God is everything I need, everything I'm not and everything I need to strive to be. I am God's daughter and He requires me to be beautifully broken, everyday. There is no more beautiful place to be!

I don't want to miss it!

In January I blogged about my feelings for this coming year and how I could sense in my Spirit that God was preparing me for something, something that I knew and still know is going to be big. I couldn't pin point my feelings of being scared or what I was even scared about. I just want to share with you an update about these feelings.

Still in January, when all these feelings were fresh, I shared with my parents what I was feeling and they stood with me in prayer as well as a good family friend, Esme. A couple of days later Esme told my Mum what God had showed her (as she doesn't have access to email, Facebook etc...)

I was scared that I would miss God's plan for my life 

That was exactly it!!!!

I knew at 11 years old that Africa would be where God wants me, but then what? I had no idea and guess what I still have no idea! I felt before arriving here that I knew where God was taking me (to an extent) but now that we're here, what next? I don't want to miss God's perfect plan for my life!!! Loud and clear... "I DON"T WANT TO MISS GOD'S PERFECT PLAN FOR MY LIFE!"

I have to be honest I spent months and months when we first arrived trying to figure out why Uganda? Why had God placed us here? Why? Why? Why? It took 6 months for me realise that I can't try and figure it all out and I simply won't, some things we just never know why. 

In the midst of trying to figure out WHY God had us here, I tried to make things happen because that's what I thought was meant to happen. I thought coming to Uganda was for God to place a God given vision to start an NGO or partner with an amazing organisation. I thought that I would fall in love with the country, the people and in turn it would feel like home. I thought that being called to a country meant that I would feel like I was making an impact, seriously the list could go on and on and on. Why wasn't I feeling these things? Why wasn't God placing amazing visions on our hearts? Why wasn't God doing things the way I thought He did in missionaries? Why was I forcing these things to happen? 

I've learnt over the past 3 months to let go and stop trying to figure it out. Since doing this I'm not scared of missing God's plan for my life, I'm excited and He has shown me so much!!! Since He has been sitting in the drivers seat, I feel at peace. As a passenger trusts that the driver will take them to their desired destination I know that God will take me to mine. I know that God's plan for my life is never ending, there are different seasons, different terrain, different territory that needs to be lost and/or gained and it will be an amazing road trip with him! But most of all this very day is where God needs me to be, THIS is His plan for my life and I don't want to miss it! 

Are the clothes fitting?

Today I received this email from Caroline Razario and I had to share!!!

Just over four years ago, kid was born and he's grown so much! It's amazing to me how fast these kids grow. He has long since outgrown his newborn clothes and is now fitting into kids’ clothes, sheesh! Weighing in originally at just over 8.1 lbs, he's already pushing 40! He likes to eat -- the kid can't get enough!

In this way, as we seek to serve the Lord, we need to love to eat His word. We need to be in a place where we can't get enough time with the Lord, worshipping Him, studying, praying fervently! We want to outgrow our spiritual clothes!

We have been given a calling by the Lord which seems all too huge -- clothes too big! We are called to be part of a royal priesthood, set a good example to the world around us, love our neighbor as ourselves, share the good news of Messiah, and later to sit at the Lord's right hand and rule with Him! I would say that those are big clothes to fit, but this is the Lord just showing us that we need to grow into our calling -- we need to grow into our royal positions! These tasks may seem too large for us but the Lord wants us to grow into the ministry He is calling us to!

Don't worry if your clothes seem to large now. Spend time in prayer and worship -- leave sin and the power of sin over your life behind you -- be filled in His power to live out your calling. You will soon fill the clothes that He has prepared for you! There's so much work to be done!