She holds beauty

I have to document this moment down. I never want to forget...

Christmas is just 5 days away and I just received the best Christmas present that my heart could desire.

My baby girl and I were slow dancing to Christmas music in our lounge room. She had the biggest smile on her face that I have ever seen, she giggled away as we twirled and spun around and every now and then her little head would fall and rest on my shoulder as we continued to dance. My day, week, month and year were all wrapped up and handed to me at once, while dancing with my baby girl. It was spontaneous and one of those moments that made me tear up. I literally felt my heart get bigger but at the same time melt from the beauty that she holds. This special moment I will treasure forever. She is my beauty.

Merry Christmas

Love Will, Emma and Gracie
xoxo

Questions and Answers

It's been over a year since we have been back from Uganda and although I haven't been posting my thoughts and what God's been doing in my heart and in my life doesn't mean I haven't been writing. So here it is, finally! As promised a Questions and answer blog...It took so long as I found it really hard to put into words the answers to questions asked. Sometimes words aren't enough. Enjoy!



What is the most valuable lesson you learnt in Uganda? 
I learnt that God doesn't want product. It's not all about what I was "achieving" or "doing" but all He wants from me is my heart. From that flows all the things that people expect your doing on the field. I couldn't love on people if I wasn't receiving God's love on a daily basis. Everything we were involved with in Uganda was about loving and in the beginning I got this all wrong. I had to stop and give my heart to God on a daily basis. By doing this I felt God's heart and when you feel God's heart it changes everything. I fell more in love with Him than ever before. That's all God wanted and required from me from the beginning, to love Him more and more everyday. By falling more in love with Jesus I slowly knew more of His love and from this came the love needed to do what God sent me to Uganda to do. 

Your most treasured moment/incident? 

A little girl learnt how to say "I love you" and she would say it to me all the time. She literally melted my heart every time she said "Emma I love you"

"Emma I love you!"

Another moment that melted both Will and I's hearts was when two young workers from Jordan House took us out for a farewell meal. We had no idea as it was a surprise and we were so humbled as the meals would have cost almost half a months wage for them both. They completely blessed us, more than they will ever know. It brought tears to my eyes with their massive hearts and spirits. 

 Our surprise farewell meal with Douglas and William 

Most depressing/sad moment?

A young girl came to Jordan House needing help. She had been raped and just found out she was pregnant. She was unsure about her HIV status so we went to get her tested. The test came back positive. I remember sitting with this young girl and crying and crying and crying. I went home and cried all night on my bed, I didn't know what else to do as rape and HIV was all too common. God had broken my heart into pieces.

Something you will miss most?

I miss living simply. 
No electricity half the time. No hot water. No TV. 
Simplicity brought with it intimacy. Intimacy with God. Intimacy with Will. 
No distractions. 
I really really really miss this!

Something you really won't miss?
A Ugandan staple meal called "Posho" (millet flour ground up, mixed with water and cooked) Let's just say it tasted like glue. 

The traffic. Picture a capital city full of cars, boda boda's/motorbikes (I may or may not have drove straight over the top of one while it was moving) buses, pedestrians using the road as a footpath and walking straight in front of on coming traffic (I may have also hit a pedestrian) 

Are there any changes in action or thought that will impact or change the way you live your life once you return to Australia? 
I'm a lot more gracious towards others and not so judgemental towards people in church. This was something that I had a big problem with before I left and God sorted that out while in Uganda.  

How are you a different person from when you left and how are you the same?

In some ways it's hard to answer "how am I different?" as it's little things that happen that I look back and see I dealt with it different than before I left for Uganda. But at the same time I know I'm different. The way I carry myself is even different I don't feel like I put up a guard, like I did before. I guess this is because while in Uganda God broke them down and showed me who He created me to be. He created me without limit, borders, masks, barriers. After this revelation it changed how I go about life on a daily basis. I feel free. 

I'm the same Emma but more of who God breathed life into and less of the rubbish that I filled it with. Emptying this gunk out is an ongoing process till the day I die but Uganda was defiantly God's tool for filtering out so much that was holding me back. Living within the invisible borders of what I thought was my life, staying there getting stale and dried out like a piece of bread left out that was once fresh. 

How has being over there impacted you life at such a young age?

I don't know the full extend as to how it has impacted me but experiencing Uganda has defiantly reinforced the feeling that I have always felt. Feeling a little left out. In a good way. It's reinforced that I'm called else where to give more and  love more. It's also changed the way we bring up Gracie. 

What was it that most touched you heart while over there?

Our last Sunday at Jordan House church a young girl was attending, I had never seen her before. She was about 13 years old. In the middle of worship, God prompted me to turn around, when I did I seen this girl, worshipping God with all she had. Tears streaming down her face, completely undone by the presence of her Father. I felt the Holy Spirit say "Go hold her hand" I did without thinking twice. Her eyes remained shut focused on her creator but she weeped even more. We both stood there tears streaming down our faces, I felt God literally upon us. I felt the tears that we were releasing were no other than God's. 

I don't know this young girls story nor do I know her name but God knew. He meet her where she was in the slum of Uganda. In the midst of poverty, disease, brokenness, hopelessness, God was bringing exactly what this young girl needed. His presence to fill her and bring hope, restoration, peace, healing and love.

I came away from our last day at Jordan House completely overwhelmed by how BIG our God is, so overwhelmed that I couldn't even fathom it. I was challenged to always see God as I did this very day. It was so easy and still can be to get caught up in what's wrong with the world not to see God moving in ways that are tailored to the individual. A God that knows us so well that He pours Himself out on us exactly how we need Him to but so very different to our neighbour, sister or friend. 

This is my most treasured moment in Uganda. So simple but this encounter with God changed and challenged me for the rest of my life. 

The beautiful girl with her Mum and Brother. 

Can you share times where you know God came through for you in time of need and provision?
There was one in particular moment that God showed up BIG time. I can't go into detail for many reasons but we had nothing else in a situation but God and we witnessed first hand how faithful our God is. It blew us away and was the pivotal moment of our time in Uganda. 

Share about the lonely times and how you coped?

Loneliness can seriously send you insane, sometimes I honestly felt I was almost there...insane. Especially in the first 3 months. It was during these three months that I felt the most alone, I hadn't made friends yet with people outside of Jordan House, Operation Uganda and our housemate. If anyone knows me well, I need my friends around me, I think any girl does!!! 

Despite these feelings of lonliness and homesickness I had Will and I learnt to lean on him more than normal and our relationship become stronger over the year. Will knew when homesickness was about to get the better of me (and it's not pretty) and he would do things with me to take my mind of it, cheer me up, help put things back in perspective and get me focused again why we were there. 

Although my feelings of loliness were real and it felt like a rollercoaster, some days were great and then the next I could be crying all day, I knew for certain one thing that was constant. Jesus. I would be reminded about how lonely He would have felt before being crucified on the cross. He turned to His father for comfort and this is where I also found peace and reassurance. 

It took us a few months but we found a church that we loved and made good friends with people there.  The church was such a blessing to us spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I was able to confined in the leadership of the church about how I was struggling and they prayed and offered support, sometimes they just listened, which is just what I needed. 

It was in these lonely times that I felt God closer than ever before despite how I was feeling. He would always whisper little gems to me that lifted my spirit. 

A moment you will never forget?

There were many moments and most of them were so simple but they impacted the most:

When we arrived at Jordan House every morning the kids yelling out "Emma" "William" and running after our car.

Paying the Woman Empowerment ladies their monthly wage. Knowing that they hard worked hard producing stock and now they had money to provide for their family. Their eyes would light up and I could see that they were proud of themselves. 

When ladies in the Woman Empowerment program came up with new concepts and designs. We couldn't always buy the products off of them but I was so proud when I would hear they didn't give up, they went somewhere else and someone else bought their new product. 

Seeing the Woman Empowerment ladies improve.

The list could go on and on but it's these little moments that will always be cherished. 




Love Emma 
xoxo

Perfect in every way

Dear Gracie,

Today you are one week old, both Daddy and I can't believe how quick this past week has gone. It feels like you were just born yesterday. You have changed our world's and we love you more than words could ever describe. I look at you and cry happy tears sometimes because you are so perfect in every way and I'm blown away that we created you and that I'm your MUMMY! 

You look like your Daddy in almost every way, everyone says you are a "little William". You do have my lips though (in your ultra sound I could see how beautiful your lips were and I said that you would have perfect lips, and  you do). You have lots of dark hair (when I seen you for the first time I couldn't believe how much hair you had, I got so excited and all of a sudden I had more energy to continue bringing you into this big world). Your tiny fingers are so perfect with beautiful long nail beds that are perfectly manicured and you have long narrow feet. Some say having long feet means your going to be tall but we will see. being taller than me though won't be hard!!! Your little ears are so petite and perfect and match perfectly with your nose, your nose is just like Daddy's. Did I mention you are perfect in every way!!! Daddy and I could sit and stare at you all day, especially when you are peacefully sleeping. Gammy says your so distracting because we all get distracted with how perfect you are. 

I pray that you will ALWAYS know how much we love you and ask God that He will guide us with wisdom to be the best parents we can be. We pray that you will always know who your Papa Jesus is and always let Him hold your hand through your journey. May you fall in love with Him more and more and always know where your rightful place is, as a daughter of the most high. 

I want to cherish every moment with as this past week has already flown by and it makes me upset not to embrace every facial expression. Daddy says you have many facial expressions like me. 

I want you to know that we have the most amazing family and friends around that will always love, guide, cherish, nurture and protect you as you get older. You will be blessed by them all and you will bless them with you presence. 

It is so beautiful to see Daddy and you together. He loves you so much and I can see you being "Daddy's girl". Daddy is so amazed by you and he just stares at you all day. He has never held something to small and fragile. Seeing Daddy and you together bonding melts my heart. 

We are both blown away by your beauty and again words can't describe this new love. You will always be my baby girl and pretty lady.

Love forever

your Mummy

xoxo

Love more

At the beginning of this year when everyone makes there New Years resolution I was determined not to make one. At the the end of the day most people never stick to them and some people aren't even successful past the first 24 hours.

God gently whispered to me "Love more". At first I thought "What a cliche'"...I mean when people ask you what your new years resolution is everyone wants to be a better person and loving more is just part of that. To better yourself more than the year just past.

It's more than my initial thought process though, it's not about going further and being the better me, in fact it's not about me at all. Loving more is all about others, seeing others going further, letting them be first, stoping, listening, forgiving. It's actually really simple and at the end of the day that's all God requires from me, the gospel is all about loving. It's who He is. God IS love, not God has love. It's a conscience decsion on a daily basis and choose to make 2013 the year I choose to love more.

Fall afresh on me

I haven't written a blog in a very long time and to be honest I'm not sorry at all.

I'm having trouble processing everything that has happened in the last couple of months, but in a good way. God has shown me so much of Himself that it's almost impossible to put into words.

Seriously, how do I write anything that even comes close to how amazing He truly is.

I'm working on it though, I promise.


In the mean time here is a picture of how God literally poured afresh on me.

While away at "Transformation of the Heart Retreat," we had some free time and God gently said "Go sit in the garden". For many of you it would have been easy to go sit in the garden, but for me to just sit and do NOTHING, wow I really struggle. I have always been a person that has to be doing SOMETHING, I have never been able to truly relax.

The days prior to this, God really showed me that the devil has been robbing me of that time that I need to relax all my life. He's been stealing away the time I need to rest for myself and the time that God so dearly wants me to just relax and rest in Him.

I wasn't going to let the devil win this time, so I went and sat in the garden. I wasn't there long before I felt relaxed and at rest, not in my own strength, but I truly felt God's presence all around me. This was a big milestone for me, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have truly relaxed in my whole life (and it doesn't even take up all 5 fingers)

I was listening to worship music for about half hour and just soaking in His love. A song came on that I had never listened to before "Fall a Fresh On Me". I had my eyes closed but I felt something literally on me. Tears starting falling down my cheeks. God said "Look up". I opened my eyes, looked up and this picture above is what I seen. God said that He was literally falling afresh on me. You can't see it in the picture but there was a huge cloud with a hole in it. Through the hole a single beam of sunlight us shining through, straight on me!

God shows Himself in so many ways, He used nature this time. All He wants is for me to rest and relax in Him with no agenda. So often I was too concerned about what I can give to God but it's not about what I can give Him, it's about what He wants to give to me. That's all it's ever been about.



Fall afresh on me - Bethel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tV77elsdUAI

Breathe life

Cystic Fibrosis here is what I have to say to you...

You don't have a hold on my brother, Jacob, or my family any longer! You don't determine his chooses, dictate what he says and you most certainly don't define him anymore. I know this disease is the devil's way of holding him back from all that God has for him and Devil you better listen real careful to all I'm about to say...

I have you figured out, the only reason your doing it is because your scared...well you should be!!! I'm warning you, you better start packing your bags and running as fas away as possible because if you don't your going to be broken down from every inch of my brother's body, every thought that possess his mind, every grip that you have on his future and guess what smart guy it's not going to be pretty. We will see who's laughing then!!!

You don't have the power, you never have. It's your own lies that have even deceived you into thinking that you even stood a chance. You know damn well that your battle was lost when the ultimate doctor and healer shed his blood to set Jacob free from your sickening hand.

My King promised to heal Jacob and I'm not gonna sit till He does. I'm standing in the gap knowing full well that God's promises are never broken. His word's are truth, not cheap junk like everything that comes out of your mouth and whispers into the ears of the valuable. No, my God speaks life into the very heart of his creation and sets them completely free.

I still don't think you get it after all these years. We are putting up a fight and we have the strongest army on our side. You better prepare yourself with some sort of protection because with just a single breath God will crush you.

You will be so badly crushed that you won't even think about attaching yourself to the organs of Jacob ever again. He will be set free, walking in complete healing. The thoughts that possess him will be of life not death. He won't be selling himself short anymore, he will be walking along side his creator. His creator that created him for a purpose, for freedom, for redemption, for relationship.

The things that used to satisfy him before will do nothing more then dissatisfy him. God's love will be so overwhelming but so evident in his life that the Kingdom of God will rejoice every time he takes a single breath. Every breath will be filled with life. Cystic Fibrosis' motto "Breathe Easy" will be nothing compared to every breath that he breathe's from this day on.

Complete healing will simply roll of his tongue, it will be the very essence of very word he speaks. Doctor's that have known him since birth won't be able to explain it, but Jacob will. He will look at them in the eye and say My God breathed life into every organ in my body.

Jacob is God's and God's only. Death does not stand a chance, he will walk in eternal life. The barrier between heaven and earth was broken and Jacob will receive the full force of what that means and what God intended it to be for him as his beloved child.

Jacob will breathe life, life in healing, life in love with his Saviour!

Isaiah 43:1-4
But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

All I can do is weep

Some time back a little boy caught me off guard. Here is his story...

To be honest I actually don't know his story but I wish I did. All I know is he caught me off guard, even if I was only face to face with him for less than a minute.

We were driving home one afternoon and as usual we stopped at a set of lights where beggars of all ages come to our window asking for money. It's one of those questions that I have struggled with since being here, "How's the best way to help?" Some would say giving money doesn't really help, in fact it causes more problems, so we have given food to them on some occasions instead. But to our astonishment and surprise they just throw the food on the ground, yell at us and walk away. So when we come to these sets of lights every single day it's a constant battle of what we should do and always ask ourselves "What would God want us to do?"

This particular day though I seen a boy whom I had never seen before. My guess he was about 9 years old. He should have been in school but unfortunately that was out of the question for him, instead he had to spent his days in the hot sun begging for money. He caught my attention though because unlike the other men, woman and children of all ages, he was standing alone with tears streaming down his dirty face. The moment I saw him I called out to him to come over to the window, which normally we try to avoid beggars at our window. As he approached us, tears starting building up in my eyes and when he came to my window I came face to face with a little boy that caught me off guard. I came face to face with utter brokenness and hopelessness, he couldn't even look at me in the eye. I didn't know what to do, I handed him a banana that we had left over from our lunch. With tears in my eyes while choking from holding back from bursting out in tears I asked this little boy what his name was. He softly replied but I wasn't able to understand, I didn't ask him again I just simply replied that it was nice to meet him. He turned and walked away slowly, head down and went behind a pole and starting eating his banana.

I watched him while waiting for the lights to turn green, fighting from within what more could I have done or said to him. By this time tears were streaming down my face. He caught me off guard!!! I have constantly battled with the question since "What should I have done?" I could barley talk to him because my heart was breaking but you know what...my heart should break!

Since being here there have been so many situations that I have no idea what to do and I still don't know in many cases. It's not a black and white answer. Normally my blogs are about revelations God has given me, reflections and things God has been doing in my life. But this blog is different, I don't have some big revelation from God, in fact it's quite the opposite.

I'm left with a heavy aching heart for the injustices of this world. This little boy should be able to kick a soccer ball around with friends and get an education that will later provide him with a job. Instead he walks the streets everyday begging for money. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't know if I did the right thing. All I can do now is commit this little boy to God and cry out to his Papa.

I'm left with an image of a little boy who's name I don't know, who's story I wish I knew and questions that I don't have the answers to. So many times since being here I've been caught off guard, when I'm least expecting it and I find myself in tears and in disgust at the world. How can this happen? How can this government let their young children walk the streets without getting an education? How can so many people go to bed at night without food in their tummies? Why do young girls, even toddlers get raped and are left with HIV? Where is God in these injustices?

Sometimes all I can do is weep, I feel like I can't do anything else. But it's ok because I see God in the very centre of the brokenness of this world weeping because if He doesn't, who will?

First few crucial moments

It takes me a while to get around to posting things between power outages and being in the right frame of mind to let the words flow freely. But I've finally got around to posting an incident that happened a few weeks ago.  I did post a status on Facebook about it so some of you may know already but here's the full story. Here are my thoughts since the incident and from a different angle. Be aware this isn't our proudest moment!

We have been here for 9 months and have managed to get away with any sort of accident that involves damaging the car. I say "damaging the car" because I have actually ran over a Boda Boda (motorbike) and hit a person while driving, both times it was their fault of course! I guess you could say they were accidents. Please take note that no one was hurt either of these times. I have learnt though the importance of using a horn and it's not to abuse people, instead, simply to inform people they need to move out of my way, fast, otherwise I will run them down!!! 

But on the 9th month of being here, a big 4WD (with a bull bar) hit the driver's back rear side, leaving a nice dint. The man driving simply continued driving as if nothing happened. Will pulled into the shopping complex where the driver was also going, in the hope that the man would pull over so we could sort it out, instead he continued to drive. This infuriated both Will and I, so Will being Will floored the accelerator and took after him, being thrashed around by the lack of concern for potholes. We caught up with him and just like a scene from a movie (where the cops cut off a getaway) we smashed the brakes on cutting him of so he couldn't go anyway, our car diagonally blocking the road with approx. 1.5m distance from both our cars. Of course me being me strongly encouraged Will to do so, in fact it was my idea to chase after him and to cut him off.

We both got out of the car and boy did Will let the driver have it!!!

I tried to calm Will down, which worked finally. Meanwhile two Indian men got out of the car and came over asking what the issue was. Will showed them the damage. Immediately the older man out of the two said that they need to take responsibility for what had happened and agreed to pay for it to get fixed. We found out that the man that was driving was just the driver for the Indian men, they pay him to drive them everywhere. Before we knew it we were having tea and biscuits in his office, he owns an engineering business.

This Indian man who was Hindu, highly respected by other people which was clearly evident, humbled us. The way he conducted and presented himself was full of grace and love. Here we are the so called "Christian's, followers of Christ" blasting the crap out of a man we didn't know from a bar of soap. Not once did the man raise his voice, get angry or point the finger. He could of got angry at his driver, but not once. We didn't even ask him to pay for the damage, he simply offered.

While we were having tea and biscuits in his office he asked us why we were here in Uganda. We shared about how God called us here and about God. He opened up to us about his wife passing away. It was a divine appointment, no doubt.

It was also special time where God really gave us a big kick up the bum, gave us a slap in the face, humbled us and woke us up big time. As much as we were able to share God with him, had we already done too much damage with how we reacted for the first one and a half minutes?

We still took the opportunity afterwards to share about God, but what about those first few minutes, we did cause damage no doubt. I needed to ask for forgiveness and even when I think about it now I'm ashamed. Some so called "missionaries"!!!

My God assures me that he uses even the most unworthy, uneducated, most sinful for His purposes, all I need to be is ready, willing and obedient. But it was this very moment that all God had planned for us to do or say was compromised in those first few moments. Know doubt God did something in that man's life as we shared about our creator, we could see it. But I ask the question how much more of an impact could it have been if we handled the situation differently in those first few crucial moments?

My Heart Sings

Today was one of those days that made my heart sing, the song in my heart couldn't have been any louder. That song was praise to my Papa.

Over the past weeks we have been doing assessments, home visits and interviews for possible new intakes into our child sponsorship program. We enrolled 22 in total, who now have a chance to get a free education. The school term started last Monday and now these children are getting an education that otherwise would be non-existent.

These children come from backgrounds and situations that make me ask the question "Why?!" with anger, heart-ache and frustration. This question is so simple but yet the answer is so complex and I may never understand. Often it feels so unfair and unjust but in the midst of it, when my heart is breaking, God fills my heart with a song, praising the one and only who is unconditional love.

For the first time today, these children received their school uniforms. The absolute joy on their faces brought tears to my eyes. Many were posing for photo's in their new clothes, many couldn't stop smiling, they were filled with so much excitement that they were just running up and down for no apparent reason, children charged at me with a huge hug, smile and a massive "thank you!". But it wasn't me they needed to thank, it was their Daddy in heaven, who loves them more than anything. As I stood back watching these precious children, my heart sang praises and I thanked God. It was one of those moments that I was literally falling more in love with Jesus, I couldn't stop myself.  As children around me were laughing and giggling with pride, my heart was rejoicing. I couldn't think of any other place I would rather have been. I don't know if these children will remember it for the rest of their lives but I most certainly will. When I asked the question "Why?!" I found my heart singing and I fell more in love with Jesus.

My heart also sang when prior to the children receiving their uniforms I sat with them and asked what they have learnt so far at school. All they could tell me was "friends!" They had learnt how to make friends!!! I have built a closer bond with these children and they are my friends and that's something that also makes my heart sing.

Maybe I need to ask this question more, "Why?!". The more questions I seem to have about this life and the things of God, the more God reveals Himself to me. Sometimes it's in ways that make me cry but today it made my heart sing!

Children before they received their uniforms (some wearing old uniforms from other schools)

Looking so smart in their new uniforms!

Isn't she beautiful, she makes my heart sing!!!

Posers!!!

Anger that makes the devil flee

Exodus 32:19-20
"When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. And he took the calf they had made and burned it in the fire; then he ground it to powder, scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it."


I love this verse!

I know this might not be the right biblical interpretation but this is what God showed me. And who's to say that what God reveals is wrong.


Moses was angry, I could only imagine him running through the camp screaming, being so full of rage that he had so much adrenaline pumping through his veins that he was able to tear down that damn golden calf.

I want Moses' anger! I want to be full of rage at the things of the devil. I want my anger to be so great that the devil flees.

Yes I know that anger isn't normally something that people pray for or something people would even agree with me on, but that's cool. I don't need people to agree with me.

Anger causes people to do and say things they wouldn't normally. They have the balls and guts to confront people and situations. I want this courage that anger gives someone; to tear down city walls that are holding a generation and generations back, things in my life that the spirit of complacency has allowed me to settle for, the things the devil is orchestrating right in front of my eyes that before I would let slide and think not much of it. If this alone isn't something to get angry about, than I ask the question... "How much power will the devil have before somebody gets angry?"

Ultimately the devil is a coward and when he knows that we are angry about his ways of power over us and holding us back from where God has promised to take us (just like the promised land was promised to the Israelites by God), he will without a doubt back off and flee. Because when we are angry God gives us the balls to take him on head on and the guts to rip him down and shred him to pieces as we declare Jesus!