Beautifully Broken

Wow! Right now that's all I can say about my God...

He forever blows me away with His love, faithfulness and the BIG things He shows me, even in the little things or things that seem insignificant.

I'm going to try my best to put into words what God has shown me recently. Every time I think about it, it humbles me and I want to fall at His feet, do nothing more than just be there at His feet...

I have recently shared about the beginning of this year, my fears and the revelation God gave me. What God is doing in me never stopped there. As I shared, this year is going to be massive spiritually, I can feel it and God is preparing me. Even after the last revelation I felt like something was wrong with me. I was experiencing things that I never have before, things that I felt I shouldn't since God called Will and I to Uganda. I felt transparent, not in a way people could see through me but in a way that made me feel vulnerable. Vulnerable emotionally and spiritually. Emotionally I was a wreck, one little thing could set me off in a whole day of crying, anger, negativity and doubt. I was determined not to be attacked spiritually, even though I felt like I was at times, I wasn't going to let it reign a high position in my life! I pressed into God in a way that was new and it hurt! I was pouring out everything to God, my fears, my hurt, my confusion, my doubt, my anger. But boy did I feel God ever so close. I could feel his presence fall over me. He was so real, He was my safety, He was my strength, He was my peace, He was my friend to pour out my heart to, He was my comforter, He was everything I wasn't!

Even though I was experiencing God in a way that I never wanted to let go off, it defiantly wasn't a place I wanted to be. I didn't want people to know, let alone see, how shattered I was. Things were happening in me that I had never experienced before and I didn't like it. I wasn't given the time to process any of it. Answers were required of me that I couldn't give. Assumptions were made. Things were spoken over our lives that went against everything we knew, without a doubt, God had for us.

One day God gently whispered to me, ''Your broken". This might seem strange but I could actually discern that it was a good thing. God was spot on but I asked the question "What does this even mean?"and "How is this good?. No one wants to be broken!

"Beautifully broken" was what He whispered to me next. God showed me that when I come to Him broken, in all my weakness, it's the perfect most exact place He wants me. It's a place for God to do what He needs in my life. During this time I was so broken that I wasn't resisting, even if it hurt more, how God wanted to mold me. He used this time to get my attention. God showed me that I was beautifully broken because nothing is more beautiful than where God wants me. He wanted me at His feet in awe of Him and I couldn't help but be anywhere else.

I have since embraced being beautifully broken, not in the same sense as before, God has been healing me and working through things in my life. But in a way that I come completely undone to myself, making myself broken before him. I am nothing without Him, He is everything I'm not. God showed me that even if I'm having the best day ever in my whole life, it's still on this day that I need to come to Him beautifully broken, making myself undone and available to Him. Being beautifully broken needs to be part of my everyday. It's a constant reminder that God is everything I need, everything I'm not and everything I need to strive to be. I am God's daughter and He requires me to be beautifully broken, everyday. There is no more beautiful place to be!

I don't want to miss it!

In January I blogged about my feelings for this coming year and how I could sense in my Spirit that God was preparing me for something, something that I knew and still know is going to be big. I couldn't pin point my feelings of being scared or what I was even scared about. I just want to share with you an update about these feelings.

Still in January, when all these feelings were fresh, I shared with my parents what I was feeling and they stood with me in prayer as well as a good family friend, Esme. A couple of days later Esme told my Mum what God had showed her (as she doesn't have access to email, Facebook etc...)

I was scared that I would miss God's plan for my life 

That was exactly it!!!!

I knew at 11 years old that Africa would be where God wants me, but then what? I had no idea and guess what I still have no idea! I felt before arriving here that I knew where God was taking me (to an extent) but now that we're here, what next? I don't want to miss God's perfect plan for my life!!! Loud and clear... "I DON"T WANT TO MISS GOD'S PERFECT PLAN FOR MY LIFE!"

I have to be honest I spent months and months when we first arrived trying to figure out why Uganda? Why had God placed us here? Why? Why? Why? It took 6 months for me realise that I can't try and figure it all out and I simply won't, some things we just never know why. 

In the midst of trying to figure out WHY God had us here, I tried to make things happen because that's what I thought was meant to happen. I thought coming to Uganda was for God to place a God given vision to start an NGO or partner with an amazing organisation. I thought that I would fall in love with the country, the people and in turn it would feel like home. I thought that being called to a country meant that I would feel like I was making an impact, seriously the list could go on and on and on. Why wasn't I feeling these things? Why wasn't God placing amazing visions on our hearts? Why wasn't God doing things the way I thought He did in missionaries? Why was I forcing these things to happen? 

I've learnt over the past 3 months to let go and stop trying to figure it out. Since doing this I'm not scared of missing God's plan for my life, I'm excited and He has shown me so much!!! Since He has been sitting in the drivers seat, I feel at peace. As a passenger trusts that the driver will take them to their desired destination I know that God will take me to mine. I know that God's plan for my life is never ending, there are different seasons, different terrain, different territory that needs to be lost and/or gained and it will be an amazing road trip with him! But most of all this very day is where God needs me to be, THIS is His plan for my life and I don't want to miss it!