Laugh and hold hands

We haven't laughed so hard together in such a long time. Sad but true. This thing we all call life can somehow get in the way. Work, housework, nappies, money, teething, lack of sleep. Really the list could go on and on. Before we know it we have lost touch in some ways with the person that makes us laugh and smile the most.

Date night was last night and it was long overdue. Dinner and "22 Jump Street" was planned but instead it was dinner and coffee, the line up to purchase our tickets would have made us miss the first 20 mins at least. It was simple but one of the best nights we have had together in a long time. We laughed so hard that my nose and eyes were watering. Now picture that at the same time, while almost wetting my pants (other Mum's will understand) Gross hey!

It was a strange feeling being baby less...
I could eat my dinner without interruption
I wasn't carrying a million wipes, nappies, spare clothes and a heavy nappy bag
I didn't have to lug a 8.8kg toddler in and out of the car
Nor was I Pushing a pram with a babe that always wants to stand when the safety warning clearly states "No Standing"

But it hit me the most when Will said "It feels weird holding hands hey?". But the truth is, it did. It's not something we avoid it's just something that I guess can get lost in amongst the early years of having a child. Always running after a toddler. Alone time together is limited.

Our date wasn't an intimate romantic night with candles lit, bottle of red wine with soft dinner music playing. In fact it was quite the opposite in a restaurant that sets of a really weird vibe and atmosphere. The food however never disappoints and for this reason we always return and they have named us their "regulars". It didn't matter the content of the night, it was simply the time we were able to spend together alone. I came home from our night on a high, we needed that simple but crucial time together just to laugh and hold hands. It's true that laughing is medicine, not that we were sick in the first place but it's good for the body, soul and spirit.

Mummies I know our lives can be non stop exhausting and it's so hard to find the time to spend alone with our husbands/partners at times but please find the time. You need it and so does your other half. It reconnects you together. It doesn't have to be expensive. In fact last christmas Will's present was 12 envelopes named January through to December. Each month Will opens the corresponding envelope to find a pre planned date. I must admit the last three months we haven't actually gone on the dates, so we have some catching up to do but they are organised and we just have to arrange a babysitter and go. Most of them are very inexpensive so don't think you have to spend a fortune every month just to go on a date because we know first hand how hard it can be sometimes, especially with only one income. I'm not a relationship guru by any means but the value in time alone is crucial. If you can't find a babysitter ask me, I'm actually serious, just ask!!!!!!

God gently reminded me today that it's so easy to become lost in life sometimes that I can forget to laugh and hold hands with the Him, the One who loves me the most. The One that just wants me to take hold of his outstretched hand for no other reason than to be alone with him and laugh. I just love how He always gives me little nudges and reminders of what He yearns from me. It can change the course of your day. Laugh and hold hands.

Double edged sword

Over the past week God's shown me that the big obvious, little quirky and sometimes almost annoying character traits I have, He has actually given me for a very particular, articulated reason. Ok some of you may already have had this revelation but clearly I'm a little slow jumping on the band wagon. Let me explain.

Up until a couple of years ago there were many character traits in my personality that would get me into trouble, especially in my teenage and early post teenage years. One big one was the fact that I spoke exactly what I thought when I wanted. There was no such thing as "think before you speak". No filter on my tongue or my heart for that matter. A lot of the time I would speak out of hurt, anger and judgement. I was very outspoken but at the same time extremely passionate about certain issues. Everyone knew me for this. It was part of my "personality". It did annoy me though, I knew I came across very rude sometimes.

The past couple of years God's been changing the attitude of my heart. Let me tell you first hand how the attitude of the heart changes everything! I noticed that how and what I spoke had changed, I wasn't speaking out of judgement, hurt or anger. God was dealing with that and I didn't need to hold onto it. I still spoke with authority and passion about what God had placed there and what I was passionate about, but it was different. I learnt that some things are just not worth verbalising because after pondering on it for a while my view point or attitude would change and understanding is what I gained.

See God has given me a personality for a reason. Because God is a personal God and he made me a personal being. He made me outspoken and extremely passionate but it's how I use these traits that's more important. Same as when God gives us gifts and talents, it's how we use them and do they bring him glory?

I had let hurt, anger and judgment take over the personalty that God had given me. The last couple of years God's been filtering out these things to bring glory to Him again. I'm still not there, its a journey that will continue to the day I die but I've realised it's an attitude of the heart. My attitude changes everything even down to how and what I speak.

Last weekend at young adults retreat Elisha (a good friend) had a word for me. I was a double edged sword. The truth and rawness I speak would be used for The Kingdom.

I've been seeking God about this over the past week and God clearly said that I'm everything He created me to be. Even the thing that has gotten me into trouble and been a hinder to me in the past. The two edge sword can destroy the enemy or me but He will use it for His kingdom, as long as my attitude is in check (a constant check needs to be made with a good kick up the but if necessary) This sword is extremely powerful in the spiritual realm and what I speak needs to be God's word and His truth and rawness.

Colossians 3

Psalm 149:6
"May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double edged sword in their hands"

Hebrews 4:12
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart

A fire within me has been lit

With temperatures of 40 degrees, crying helplessly, sleepless nights, nursing around the clock, and an array of medicines being placed in her little body from both ends of the spectrum, it's safe to say that the latter half of the past week has been a little traumatic for both Mamma and bubba.

"Jesus loves the little children, 

all the children of the world. 

Red and yellow, black and white,

they are precious in His sight. 

Jesus loves the little children" 

I found myself singing this classic that I grew up singing, in an attempt to soothe my sick baby girl. She finally falls asleep, saddled across my body, head resting on my chest. I don't dare put her down. That's not an option. For the past 48 hours she has only wanted to rest her weak body on me. I can feel her burning, the heat from little face has made my chest red.

Now that she is sleeping I can get some rest. I close my eyes. But my mind wonders. The words from the classic children's song play over and over in my head and I find myself questioning God. "How can Jesus love all the little children of the world?" Children all over the world are dying from sicknesses that can be managed with access to medication, food, water and doctors. There are Mothers all over the world that weep helplessly because they can't even produce enough milk that would soothe their babies. They don't have enough money to feed themselves so their bodies deny them from producing natures finest life support. If they can't eat they defiantly don't have the means and resources to get seen by a doctor or a hospital visit. Even if somehow they were able to go to the hospital, doctors and nurses would deny them treatment as they can't afford the hospital bed or medications needed.

My heart breaks. My heart becomes heavy. Anger is also mixed with sadness. "How can doctors and nurses overlook dying children?!" To us it seems so foreign, so inhuman. But this is how the majority of the world live. Does it make it easier for them knowing that this is the life they have been handed. Of course not! I can't even imagine the heart ache a Mother would go through watching her sick baby screaming inconsolably.

Within four days Gracie has returned to 100% health, cheeky as ever, always on the move exploring and laughing. We had everything at our finger tips. Doctors, medication and even support and love from family to help when I was exhausted. But my heart is still heavy for these Mummies and their babies.

My heart breaks. My heart becomes heavy. Anger is also mixed with sadness. A fire within me has been lit.

1 Samuel 2:8

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honour...

Stop and Love

At the beginning of 2013 when everyone was making "New Year Resolutions" I was determined not to make one. Who sticks to them anyway? They make us feel good for the first month and then come February we have already slipped back into old habits, ways and lack the motivation that the first of January brought.  By the end of the year we feel worse about ourselves because we weren't disciplined, motivated or determined enough to accomplish what we set out to achieve at the beginning of the year. 

With this mindset, I started my year off "New Years Resolution" free. 

God whispered one word "Love"

Over the next few days God showed me that 2013 was my year to love. It wasn't to be my "New Years Resolution" instead "Love" was to be what I strived to become, be, pour out, lavish upon, breath, soak in. 2013 was to be what I was created for. Love.

I look back on this past year and ask myself the question "Did I love?". 

Yes. In situations where I would have normally became angry I found myself responding to with grace, acceptance and forgiveness  Not because I felt I had to but because love changes the heart. Love stretched me in 2013 and I found myself involved in things that I would have never dreamt of doing or achieving. Saying yes to love opens doors. My greatest love of 2013 hands down would have been the birth of our beautiful baby girl "Gracie Mayah". Holding her in my arms staring into her big brown eyes that trust and love me utterly and completing remind me on a daily basis what Jesus yearns from me also. She is teaching me how to love unconditionally and gives me more of a glimpse of how The Father loves. She is continually teaching me to go to Jesus for my source of strength and to be filled with more of Him.  

Such a little being has taught and shown me what love looks like. Love looks like getting down on the ground and playing instead of sitting on Facebook. Love looks like reading books instead of watching rubbish on tv. Love looks like making the time to spend with Will, my husband alone so our marriage stays fresh. Love looks like giving more of myself and my resources. 

But as I look back on 2013 another question remains "Did I love enough?" 

No. There are more times than I can count that I fell short. The most recent one was on Christmas Day, of all days of the year. I went for a run early in the morning before everyone was awake. Along my run I seen a homeless man packing the little belongings he had into a bag from the night before. My heart become heavy and I kept running saying to myself "I'll stop on the way back". On the way back I seen him again. I wanted to stop but the "He's a male, your a female, anything could happen because no ones around" excuses flooded in and before I knew it, I had ran past him and was back in the hotel. Ever since Christmas Day this keeps playing over and over in my head. I didn't love with the capacity that I was created for. I didn't stop. I let excuses win. I left Jesus lying on the grass beside the beach hungry and thirsty on Christmas Day! 

I don't want to come to the end this year and have a situation playing over and over in my head because I didn't stop and love. I want this year to be the year I just stop. I want even more opportunities to love like Jesus but I know this can't happen unless I stop. Jesus always stopped. I need to stop for the homeless man. This isn't a "New Years Resolution" it's what God created and requires of me. Stop and Love.